The Bachelorette / Finale

Storybook Ending

They're engaged! Emily and One-f Jef.

Well, folks, it's all over. Or is it just beginning? By now you know that Emily Maynard picked One-f Jef to be her main man. He got on one knee on a sunny day in Curacao and asked her to marry him. And she said yes. And it took two hours of extremely manipulative TV programming and editing to get us there. Actually, it took 10 weeks of extremely manipulative TV programming and editing to get us there, but I'm not bitter. I knew what I was signing up for from the start. And in spite of some natural cynicism (I'm a romantic, not an idiot), I have high hopes for Em and Jef. If they're smart, they'll follow in the footsteps of Trista and Ryan (you know, the original Bachelorette and her hunky firefighting man), get themselves hitched and live happily ever after.

This season's fair-haired bride-to-be was thoughtful and gracious throughout the process, but she showed some extra class in the way she let her No. 2 man, race car driver Arie, go on the finale. It was awful, sure. Absolutely cringe-worthy -- what breakup isn't? But rather than go the ultra-humiliating route of seasons past and let the poor schmuck get on one knee, ring-in-hand, before hitting him with the news (yes, Ashley Hebert, I'm talking about you), Emily said her goodbye to Arie on what was to be their final date. She faltered a little (did she really expect him to comfort her?) But her instincts were right on. Why drag out the drama when her mind was -- at last -- made up? And he, for all his bad grammar and weeks of excessive lip lickin' 'n' lockin', redeemed himself at the moment of truth. He was respectful and sweet, without being a wuss. In a word, dignified. 

Arie as Juliet's nurse. New career?

Good goin', Arie ... may the force be with you. And if racing doesn't pan out, there's always the Royal Shakespeare Company.

What else is there to rehash? There are some positives about One-f Jef to take from his demeanor throughout the finale. First, he didn't head for the hills after meeting Emily's family (frankly, her brother would have sent me packing), and second, he stuck to his guns about wanting to meet Ricki, his potential stepdaughter. When the latter happened and it went well (Jef's a natural), ya kinda figured Arie was out of luck. How tacky and irresponsible would Emily have been to introduce a second guy to her 6-year-old the very next day? Instead, she let Jef into her inner circle, sealing the deal once and for all. 

Happily ever after? Let's hope so! Jef, Emily and Ricki.

So now I'm repeating myself, but only time will tell if this union will last a lifetime. Things are off to a promising start, if the live "After the Final Rose" segment is any indication. Emily and Jef shared a kiss and announced some future plans. He'll be relocating to Charlotte, N.C., so as not to uproot Ricki. They'll be jetting off to Africa to do some charity work.

After no fewer than 19 (yes, 19!) post-show breakups in the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise, it certainly would be refreshing to witness a true success story. This hopeless romantic will be crossing fingers and periodically checking the mailbox for a wedding invite. Hey, stranger things have happened.

The Bachelorette / Week 9

Pressure Cooker

Emily Maynard is nearing the end of her Bachelorette journey. She's down to three eligible bachelors, and the going's gettin' tough. The setting is the tranquil island of Curacao, but the tension is high and the pressure's on. For the uninitiated, this is the stage in the proceedings when the dates have the potential to be all-nighters. There will be fantasy suites on offer, where Emily and her men can choose to spend some quality, intimate time, sans cameras and audience. Mmm hmm -- you heard me.

No, really, Sean's not uncomfortable at all (poor fella).

First up is Blonde Sean, who has distinguished himself thus far by not declaring his love for our fair-haired gal. So what does he do right off the bat? He declares his love for our fair-haired gal. But not to her -- to the camera (in other words, to us!). He's fretting big-time over how to actually tell her. And that pretty much sets the stage for an awkward day, even if it is in paradise. They fly in a helicopter to a private isle. He's desperate to open up. She's desperate for him to open up. Yikes, can we all just lighten up?

During dinner on the beach, Sean musters his courage. He shares a very sweet letter he's written to Ricki about how he would like to fit into her life. He's dazed. He's confused. He's a deer in the headlights, people. It's so uncomfortable to watch. And when he says it, at last, that he's "fallen in love" with Emily, we can all take a deep breath and move on. Phew. The two do head off to their fantasy suite, and there's plenty of touching and kissing and declarative voice-over madness. But -- surprise, surprise -- Emily cuts the night short. As a mom she feels compelled to set a good example for her daughter. OK, we get it, but ... oh, never mind.

Emily shares a sweet kiss with One-f Jef.

Next up is One-f Jef, who's been a pretty cool cat up to now. But what do ya know? He's nervous, too. There's no question he's head over heels for Emily, but he admits there are some obstacles left (yeah, those two other guys) and he's got questions. Once he and his lady love are aboard a huge sailboat on the crystal blue water, though, it's literally smooth sailing. They talk about meeting each other's parents, about him being a good dad, about how they "get" each other and all is well with the world.

Later, at dinner, Jef steps up with some more questions (what a practical young lad!), seems satisfied with the answers he gets and accepts the invite to the fantasy suite, but cautiously. Sure, it'd be "awesome" to spend some alone time together, but he realizes everyone they know will eventually be watching, so he would understand if it's not the right time or place. I'm impressed. Emily's impressed. She explains that she'd like to spend more time together, but she just can't stay the night. No prob, says One-f Jef ... let's go! Their fantasy suite is an incredibly exotic luxury tree house. Lots of kissing ensues.

Emily enjoys a mauling from Arie.

Of course the real kiss-fest comes last, when Arie the race car driver (and erstwhile makeout king) arrives for his island fantasy date. Emily's wondering what the rest of us are wondering ... is there more than a physical connection here? Em says Arie's a great kisser. Good thing, since that's all he ever wants to do. Swim with the dolphins? Sure, but can I kiss ya first? View? What view? You mean of me kissing you? Yeah, I think I caught our reflection on the water. Look, I'm no prude, but I've seen Arie's lick-the-lips-and-lean-in approach one too many times now. Eeeewwww.

Anyway, the guy does manage to get serious at dinner, when he ponders what "real" life with Emily and Ricki would be like. He seems sincere enough, but it's hard to picture them all settling down together in Scottsdale, Ariz., particularly with his scary moder lurking around. Yet the way Emily tells it, Arie just may be the one. "From our first date, I was done," she says. Which leads to the fantasy suite quandary. Should she or shouldn't she? I mean, he IS such a great kisser and all. Alas, Em resists temptation and doesn't even float the option. I've gotta say, very little surprises me on this show, but that was a real surprise. Sorry, Arie.

In the end, you know what's coming: Somebody's getting kicked to the curb on Curacao. Whether you watched the show or not, if you've been paying attention for the last few paragraphs, you know Sean's the one to go. "I feel kinda stupid," he says, and I feel for him. All that pressure to lay his heart on the line and then pow, it's over. Yuck. Not fun. But he maintains his cool and exits with class. And that, folks, is how to get dumped on national TV -- with class.

I'll be back in a week or so to dish on what host Chris Harrison reminds us is "the television event of the summer." No, not the Olympic Games, silly, The Bachelorette finale! Ciao for now.

The Bachelorette / Week 8

Meet the Parents

Never mind that our intrepid bachelorette traveled to four hometowns to meet four families in a single week, I'll bet you've been wondering what the heck happened to me, right? Let's just say there were a lot of distractions (fireworks, food, Wimbledon) and the latest episode was a bit of a snoozer. But I'm back -- just in time to catch you up before another Monday night rolls around.

So here's the quick and dirty rundown. Emily's first stop: Chicago, where Chris (not Gerard Butler) is eager to show his more confident side on his home turf. His parents are humble, sweet, CorningWare-on-the-table types who are easily sold on Miss E. as their son's perfect match. I'm not so sure. In fact, the whole date feels like a lead-up to a let-down, if you ask me (foreshadowing?). Also, if you're keeping score at home, Chris (not G.B.) says the magic words. Yup, folks, he's in love with her.

One-f Jef pours his heart out on the hometown visit.

Next stop: Holmstead Ranch, a.k.a. One-f Jef's impressive family spread in St. George, Utah. The place looks straight out of Sunset magazine or the Sundance catalog or something like that (you get my drift). Gorgeous. It's the perfect setting for a rambunctious ATV ride and some skeet shootin'. Emily thinks Jef is hot in his skinny jeans. Jef thinks Emily "looks so hot holding a gun." It's all just foreplay for the best part of the date -- after the grilling by Jef's brother and sisters, which ends with everyone's approval -- when our baby-faced Romeo whips out some notes he wrote on the plane ride home from Europe. Look, I'm a hopeless romantic and a friggin' reality TV junkie, so I'm a sucker for this sort of thing, and I'll admit, Jef's note brought tears to my eyes.

Did I just write that? Why yes, I did. All you cynics be damned; I thought Jef's words had all the right touches of sweetness, sincerity, spice and more. He wants to wake up to Emily's big brown eyes everyday. He wants to cheer daughter Ricki up when she's sad and laugh with her when she's happy. And, you guessed it folks, he's in love with Emily, too.

Stifler's mom

Date three begins at a racetrack outside of Scottsdale, Ariz., where race car driver Arie can't wait to show Emily his moves. He takes her for a spin in his IndyCar and I'm wondering if the fumes got to her, because she thinks "Arie definitely looks stupid hot" in his racing outfit. Stupid, maybe. But hot? More like smelly. Later, Emily and Arie have a picnic and he preps her for her big meet the parents moment. He's concerned that things will be awkward because they're European. Truth is they're awkward because his dad's a drip (I know, I know, he won the Indy 500 twice and all that crap, but he doesn't have much to say these days, does he?!) and his mom's just plain scary. I prefer Stifler's mom. At least she's fun. Can you say The Real Housewives of Scottsdale? Yikes.

Arie's mom

Arie's parents' adobe-style house is another worthy of a magazine spread, but its inhabitants are boring (I don't think his sister or twin brothers said a single word) and rude (moder had the gall to hold a gossip session about Emily in Dutch -- right in front of Emily's face). Somehow none of that mattered in the end, because as Emily tells it, it was another wonderful day. Odd. Very odd.

Fourth stop: Dallas, Texas, where Sean scores some points for introducing Emily to his "little girls" -- a pair of extremely well-behaved dogs. He reveals that he just wants a "simple but beautiful life" and proceeds to take Emily to the set of a Better Homes and Gardens photo shoot. Oh, wait, that's his parents' house. Not a blade of grass out of place at this homestead, which comes complete with a playhouse for Sean's niece that is straight out of a fairy tale. Emily proclaims them the "world's most perfect family." Sigh.

I'll give props to Sean's dad, who seems very down to earth and sweet, but the visit took a turn for the weird when Sean (nee Blonde & Boring) decided to become a prankster, first solemnly confessing that he actually still lives at home (gulp) and then taking Emily up to his pig sty of a room and introducing her to his menagerie of stuffed animals. But before our gal can hot-foot it outta there, he fesses up that it's all just a joke. Hahaha. Not funny. Again, Emily is unfazed and Sean gets some big-time kisses, in spite of being the only guy of the final four not to profess his love for her. C'mon, man, it's been nearly two months -- what're ya waitin' for? (Oh, stop, I'm kidding!)

Final destination: Los Angeles, where Chris (not Gerard Butler) gets sent packing once and for all. I have two theories: Either Emily got a glimpse of his temper and thought to hell with it, or she finally realized he's not Gerard Butler. Cue the obligatory post-dump limo rant, where any semblance of class gets flushed down the toilet. "I'm 10 times the f****** man of all those dudes that are still there," he says. Thanks for sharing.

The Bachelorette / Week 7

Czech Mate

Week seven proved lucky for a few fellas vying for Emily Maynard's hand; for a couple of others, it was game over. The setting was Prague and the stakes were high -- the four left standing after this episode would be welcoming the bachelorette to their hometowns. And in case the guys weren't aware, host Chris Harrison was there to remind them that this was "by far the biggest week." (Thanks, Chris, hadn't realized.)

Arie and Emily lock lips on the streets of Prague.

I'm not keeping count (damn!), but I'm pretty sure week seven featured the most makeout sessions of the season so far. Race car driver Arie and Miss E. brought plenty of PDA to Prague, walking and kissing and kissing and walking and talking and kissing and kissing and kissing. Theirs was the first one-on-one date of the week and it had its share of makeouts and mock drama. I say mock, because the whole "scandal" regarding Arie's long-ago entanglement with one of the show's producers was much ado about nothing. Who cares? Not even Emily, when all was said and done.

That's not to say I don't think Arie's a little skeezy. He started out strong but his appeal has waned of late (bad grammar aside, the dude's a bit too sure of himself and kind of dirty-looking, if you ask me). Alas, Emily is enamored and was clearly moved by his "I love you" at the end of the evening. Cue the fireworks (no, that's not a metaphor, folks, this is reality TV -- there were real fireworks, and lots of 'em).

The second one-on-one went to John, who is about as interesting as a blank wall. This is a dating show, buddy. Slow and not-so-steady does not win the race. Neither does no eye contact. And the dinnertime sob story about how you got cheated on? Not sexy. All of which begs the question, how the hell did you get the nickname "Wolf"?

Déjà vu: Sean and Emily lock lips on the streets of Prague.

Back at the bachelor pad, the tension is mounting. Chris (not Gerard Butler) is stressing and "needs a drink" -- and that's before he finds out he's on the week's only group date. When John "Wolf" returns from his date all giddy and overconfident (fine, he made out with Emily -- but who hasn't?), Chris (not G.B.) is so distraught, he doesn't even notice Blonde Sean bolting out the door. How do ya like that, folks? Mr. Boring breaks out of his shell and makes his move, jogging into the night shouting Emily's name. No sooner does he track her down than the two are -- you guessed it -- making out, and it's pretty hot. More PDA in Prague. Way to go, blondie!

The group date is awkward and not really worth rehashing, except to tell you that Chris (not G.B.) sulks, Sean gets the rose (told you the kissing was hot) and Doug the Dad gets sent home. I know, I know, I gave the guy a really hard time in weeks past, but his parting was pretty sad. Though he did steal a kiss (at last!), he said it best as the door was hitting him on the ass -- he was "a day late and a dollar short." Hey Doug, my mom's got a crush on you, so if you're reading this, just say the word and I'll give you her number. Either way, good luck to you, man.

One-f Jef floors Emily with his charms.

The final one-on-one is a dandy: One-f Jef and Emily play with dolls, roll around on the floor of a library (you can't make this stuff up, people) and they kiss. A lot. And when they're not kissing, Jef finds the missing f in his name with a quote that is surely blowing up the Twittersphere. Are you sitting down? Here is what he says to Miss E. in the throes of passion: "I want to date you so hard and marry the f*ck out of you." Like I said, you can't make this stuff up.

Now a quick rundown of the cocktail party that wasn't -- and the rose ceremony that was. John "Wolf" acts like an ass, because Chris (not G.B.) makes a last-ditch plea to Emily to keep him around, and it works. So next week we'll crisscross the country as our fair-haired bachelorette visits Arie, Sean, Jef and Chris on their turf. The stakes are high, indeed.

The Bachelorette / Week 6

Greetings From Dubrovnik!

Dubrovnik, Croatia

Our fair-haired bachelorette had some fierce competition in the beauty department this week, not from any of her suitors, but from the backdrop of scenic Dubrovnik, a stunning historic Croatian city on the Dalmatian Coast. Breathtaking. Emily did hold her own, though, and then some. She cut more than a little fat from her larder of prospects; in fact, she went right for the meat, as in Meathead Ryan, who at last got the ax. Not being mean, folks, just realistic. The dude had to go and three cheers for Emily for making the right decision!

Six weeks into her journey from being a Miss to a Mrs., Emily has effectively ditched the most obnoxious dudes and bid adieu to the most boring of the bunch as well. So what she's left with is a group of perfectly fine choices. Not the sharpest tools in the shed, but not too dull, either. I think it's difficult for anyone to stand out next to Emily. She's gorgeous, sweet, friendly, fun and has a healthy dose of good old women's intuition. She just might have what it takes to find lasting love amid a wholly manipulative "reality" fraught with cameras and critics.

So how did eight guys at the top of the show become six by night's end? Not by wooing Emily on a one-on-one date. Mississippi Travis was first up, and he struck out, big time. Anyone could see there was no romantic connection between Emily and the 30-year-old salesman (and former Ostrich egg-holder -- remember that half-baked ploy?). But the Dubrovnik date sealed it. Nice guy, but no dice. I felt kinda bad for him as he made his exit in the rain.

The other swing and a miss came from resident meathead and self-proclaimed "bad boy" Ryan. He and Emily seemed to enjoy a relatively OK date, engaging in their usual Southern banter. But Ryan was increasingly clueless about how to win Emily over. His insistence on finding a "trophy wife" rubbed her the wrong way (gee, I wonder why?) and he failed to notice that the more time they spent together the more the flirting was one-sided. And clueless he remained, even when Emily told him he was not getting a rose. He was "shocked" and "surprised" and not ready to leave. He cajoled and yammered on and kept swinging for the fences, but our bachelorette wasn't swayed. Yahoo! Ryan, take your oddly coiffed facial hair and blue-suede loafers and head on home.

Bachelorette Emily Maynard with the final, skirted six.

Group dates don't tend to yield a lot of connection, but this week's had its share. And for once, it was even fun to watch. After a private screening of Disney-Pixar's new animated film "Brave," Emily garbed Chris, Arie, Jef, John, Sean and Doug in kilts (yup, that's them in the photo) and sent them off on donkeys to be manly men in a modified version of the Highland Games. (By the way, pretty much everyone but Arie looked damn good in a skirt. Nice legs, boys!) They shot arrows. They tossed cabers. They muscled lazy sticks (don't ask). And they did it in good humor. But it wasn't the strongest or most agile of the bunch who got Emily's attention; it was the one who struggled the most -- Chris (definitely not Gerard Butler, but getting closer all the time). He got a special "bravery cup" and the group date rose. Good going Gerard, I mean Chris. 

What else happened this week? You know, the usual: lots of kissing and swooning and grammatical error-making. (Really, Arie, "shookin' up"? Yeesh.) Emily walked in crazy high heels on medieval cobblestone streets. The guys yukked it up and stressed out and hoped for the best. And in the end, six skirted suitors are off to next week's destination: Prague. Until then, na shledanou!

The Bachelorette / Week 5

Will the Real Romeo Please Stand Up?

I'll be the first to admit that most of the guys redeemed themselves this week in an episode fraught with drama (real or staged, we'll never know). I said most. Because one Kalon, a.k.a. Chopper (ugh, those enormous teeth!), finally got his comeuppance for weeks of rude, condescending BS. Yes, friends, I should have known he'd be on the receiving end of the most anticipated kiss-off in Bachelorette history. Get the f*ck out, indeed.

Leonardo DiCaprio as Romeo

I'm also not sold on Ryan, although Emily says she's starting to fall for his charms. He's entertaining, sure. But his "charms" are kinda cheesy, and so is his hair. He got to play Romeo in a group-date performance in Shakespeare's birthplace, but his antics were more tragicomic than romantic. Look out Leonardo DiCaprio? I think not, lame sir.

As for the rest of the lot, London, the series locale du jour, seemed to bring out a more relaxed, human side. Doug, who I mocked ruthlessly last week, was even-keeled, bordering on playful. Alejandro was hopeful. Arie was humble. Travis was pleasantly goofy. But two gentlemen stood out from the crowd, at least as far as Miss Maynard was concerned: Blonde Sean and one-f Jef.

OK, so basically there's nothing wrong with Sean, the 28-year-old insurance agent from Dallas. He's attractive (yes, he and Emily look really good together), confident, polite -- yeah, a real stand-up guy. But I'll stand by my week-one assessment that he's boring. Ironically, Emily does not agree with me. In fact, she told him, and I quote, "Guys who look like you are usually boring, but you're not." Well, it's a good thing she's dating him and I'm not. Yet, to be fair, there aren't any real firecrackers among the guys, are there? No real deep thinkers. At this stage in the game, though, Emily seems content to find a man who will be kind to her and her 6-year-old daughter and who will have their back no matter what. Maybe Sean is that man. Time will tell.

One-f Jef. Could he be Emily's baby-faced Romeo?

The other star of this week's show was little-man Jef. He seems like a really nice guy. Sincere. Honest. Cute. Semi-confident. Sweet. And I'm guessing he somehow looks older in person than he does on TV, because Emily's attraction to him is palpable. Hell, our friend Leo DiCaprio had a baby face when he played Romeo on the big screen. Maybe Emily's on to something here. Their time in a London pub sipping pints and chatting seemed among the most "normal" on the show thus far. And when they finally shared a kiss after a romantic evening spent on the London Eye, it was more than a peck, let me tell ya. I'll say it again, folks: Time will tell.

When the episode was said and done, Kalon was long gone, of course, but so was sweet Alejandro, our resident mushroom farmer from San Francisco. I hadn't realized until he was already cabbing it to Heathrow airport that he was only 24 years old, because he carried himself with grace and maturity. Poor kid actually seemed heartbroken. Kind of a shame to see him leave when goofballs like Ryan and Travis get to stick around. But this is Emily's journey, after all. And with that, I'll leave you with the real recap of the week: A few of the choicest quotes from our Bachelorette's mouth, said with an adorable Southern accent.

"I want to rip his limbs off and beat him with them." 

(When she learns that Kalon referred to her daughter as "baggage.")

"I was ready to go West Virgina hood rat backwoods on his ass." 

(Yup, more fury toward Kalon.)

"I thought it was a good idea, but I'm ready to get the hell out of here." 

(When high tea with Jef got to be a bit too stuffy, thanks to an etiquette coach.)

Keep 'em comin', Emily! Next week, Croatia. See y'all then.

P.S. Ryan, you ain't no Romeo.

The Bachelorette / Week 4

Mano a Mano

The testosterone was pumping on this week's episode as our frat boys, er bachelors, headed to Bermuda for a week of fun, sun and chest-thumping on their quest to win Emily Maynard's heart. Macho meathead Ryan vs. race car driver Arie. Chris (not Gerard Butler) vs. Doug the Hugger. All the guys vs. Doug the Damn Grouch, who gets the prized one-on-one date and goes all Negative Nelly on us in anticipation (what's his problem, anyway?).

Oh, if only Emily knew. She and daughter Ricki seem so content frolicking along the Bermuda beach that one forgets for a moment the whole purpose of the show -- to find a mister for miss Maynard. As the dudes come hootin' and hollerin' up to the hotel on their scooters, I, for one, have my doubts. Hell, I can hardly muster the energy to write this recap. Imagine having to muster the energy to go on a date with Doomsday Doug.

He's "just Doug." Don't expect him to make the first move.

I know, I know. There I go being mean again. The truth is, a couple of the guys have actually grown on me. But Darkside Doug isn't one of them. Even Emily, who says there's nobody she'd rather spend the day with, thinks he's hiding something. Let's hope she finds out what it is -- and soon. Their date is a big pile of boring, shopping for island tchotchkes and listening to him yammer on about being a dad. More of the same at dinner, where Doug the Drip declares, "I'm just a guy. I'm just Doug." 

Alas, Doug the Slug gets a rose. But does Emily get a kiss? Nope. Saint Doug tells us behind the scenes that he doesn't "ever make the first move, ever." You know what I have to say to that? What-ever. Do us all a favor and get lost.

Another day, another group date, this one carrying the competitive theme of the week by pitting the guys against each other in a sailboat race. Yawn. The most interesting thing about this date is that Kalon, a.k.a. Chopper, keeps his mouth shut. Jef cuts his finger. Arie and Ryan play nice for a while. And together they beat out Sean, Chris (not Gerard Butler), Travis and Charlie, who sobs in the van on the way back to the hotel -- sobs, people! Seems the prospect of losing out on an evening with Emily is too much for him. Get it together, man.

Race car driver Arie wastes no time heading for the winner's circle later in the evening. He's the first to whisk Emily off to the beach for a makeout session. Babyface Jef is next to have some alone time with our lass and while he charms her with his adorable (and seemingly sincere) "I like you," he doesn't lean in for a lip lock. No matter; Emily decides he's worth the wait. Yeah, maybe she's waiting for him to make it through puberty. I like him, I really do, but he kind of looks like her younger brother. The little cherub is doing something right, though, because he gets the group date rose -- again. 

The third and final date of the week is the dreaded two-on-one. In this diabolical setup, two guys go out with Emily, but only one gets to come back. The whole thing is so awkward and gross, I won't bore you with the details. The winner is John, the guy who calls himself "Wolf." The loser is Nate, whose only crime as far as I could tell was mispronouncing the word quinoa. Poor fella. Hey, before I worked at a national food magazine I didn't know how the hell to pronounce it either.

Jef and Emily

Finally, we arrive at another pre-rose-ceremony cocktail party. By now I'm about to doze off when I see Jef (remember folks, that's Jef with one f) wearing Bermuda shorts with knee-high socks. Is he for real? I wish I could make fun of him, but I have to admit, it's kinda genius. After all, when in Bermuda. Get it?

Let's see, what else ... Well, Ryan chastises Emily for making out with Arie the race car driver, preaching some BS about setting an example for the young girls of America. Later he confides to us that he's readying himself for something "bigger." Apparently, he's auditioning to be the next bachelor. Not for all the creatine at the gym, Meathead. Go lift some more weights, you freak.

Meanwhile, Chris (not Gerard Butler) and Smug Doug have a showdown about who's the better man. I vote for Chris. He may not be Gerard Butler, but he's got more personality and class than his older nemesis, that's for sure. When all the roses are handed out, it's bye bye Charlie and so long pony-tailed Michael. Anybody else feel the producers' influence here? From what I've seen of Miss E., she's no dummy, so ratings pressure is the only explanation for keeping Ryan and Kalon (that's Meathead and Chopper to you and me) around.

Next week the whole gang's off to London. Cheerio until then!