The Bachelorette / Week 7

Czech Mate

Week seven proved lucky for a few fellas vying for Emily Maynard's hand; for a couple of others, it was game over. The setting was Prague and the stakes were high -- the four left standing after this episode would be welcoming the bachelorette to their hometowns. And in case the guys weren't aware, host Chris Harrison was there to remind them that this was "by far the biggest week." (Thanks, Chris, hadn't realized.)

Arie and Emily lock lips on the streets of Prague.

I'm not keeping count (damn!), but I'm pretty sure week seven featured the most makeout sessions of the season so far. Race car driver Arie and Miss E. brought plenty of PDA to Prague, walking and kissing and kissing and walking and talking and kissing and kissing and kissing. Theirs was the first one-on-one date of the week and it had its share of makeouts and mock drama. I say mock, because the whole "scandal" regarding Arie's long-ago entanglement with one of the show's producers was much ado about nothing. Who cares? Not even Emily, when all was said and done.

That's not to say I don't think Arie's a little skeezy. He started out strong but his appeal has waned of late (bad grammar aside, the dude's a bit too sure of himself and kind of dirty-looking, if you ask me). Alas, Emily is enamored and was clearly moved by his "I love you" at the end of the evening. Cue the fireworks (no, that's not a metaphor, folks, this is reality TV -- there were real fireworks, and lots of 'em).

The second one-on-one went to John, who is about as interesting as a blank wall. This is a dating show, buddy. Slow and not-so-steady does not win the race. Neither does no eye contact. And the dinnertime sob story about how you got cheated on? Not sexy. All of which begs the question, how the hell did you get the nickname "Wolf"?

Déjà vu: Sean and Emily lock lips on the streets of Prague.

Back at the bachelor pad, the tension is mounting. Chris (not Gerard Butler) is stressing and "needs a drink" -- and that's before he finds out he's on the week's only group date. When John "Wolf" returns from his date all giddy and overconfident (fine, he made out with Emily -- but who hasn't?), Chris (not G.B.) is so distraught, he doesn't even notice Blonde Sean bolting out the door. How do ya like that, folks? Mr. Boring breaks out of his shell and makes his move, jogging into the night shouting Emily's name. No sooner does he track her down than the two are -- you guessed it -- making out, and it's pretty hot. More PDA in Prague. Way to go, blondie!

The group date is awkward and not really worth rehashing, except to tell you that Chris (not G.B.) sulks, Sean gets the rose (told you the kissing was hot) and Doug the Dad gets sent home. I know, I know, I gave the guy a really hard time in weeks past, but his parting was pretty sad. Though he did steal a kiss (at last!), he said it best as the door was hitting him on the ass -- he was "a day late and a dollar short." Hey Doug, my mom's got a crush on you, so if you're reading this, just say the word and I'll give you her number. Either way, good luck to you, man.

One-f Jef floors Emily with his charms.

The final one-on-one is a dandy: One-f Jef and Emily play with dolls, roll around on the floor of a library (you can't make this stuff up, people) and they kiss. A lot. And when they're not kissing, Jef finds the missing f in his name with a quote that is surely blowing up the Twittersphere. Are you sitting down? Here is what he says to Miss E. in the throes of passion: "I want to date you so hard and marry the f*ck out of you." Like I said, you can't make this stuff up.

Now a quick rundown of the cocktail party that wasn't -- and the rose ceremony that was. John "Wolf" acts like an ass, because Chris (not G.B.) makes a last-ditch plea to Emily to keep him around, and it works. So next week we'll crisscross the country as our fair-haired bachelorette visits Arie, Sean, Jef and Chris on their turf. The stakes are high, indeed.

The Bachelorette / Week 6

Greetings From Dubrovnik!

Dubrovnik, Croatia

Our fair-haired bachelorette had some fierce competition in the beauty department this week, not from any of her suitors, but from the backdrop of scenic Dubrovnik, a stunning historic Croatian city on the Dalmatian Coast. Breathtaking. Emily did hold her own, though, and then some. She cut more than a little fat from her larder of prospects; in fact, she went right for the meat, as in Meathead Ryan, who at last got the ax. Not being mean, folks, just realistic. The dude had to go and three cheers for Emily for making the right decision!

Six weeks into her journey from being a Miss to a Mrs., Emily has effectively ditched the most obnoxious dudes and bid adieu to the most boring of the bunch as well. So what she's left with is a group of perfectly fine choices. Not the sharpest tools in the shed, but not too dull, either. I think it's difficult for anyone to stand out next to Emily. She's gorgeous, sweet, friendly, fun and has a healthy dose of good old women's intuition. She just might have what it takes to find lasting love amid a wholly manipulative "reality" fraught with cameras and critics.

So how did eight guys at the top of the show become six by night's end? Not by wooing Emily on a one-on-one date. Mississippi Travis was first up, and he struck out, big time. Anyone could see there was no romantic connection between Emily and the 30-year-old salesman (and former Ostrich egg-holder -- remember that half-baked ploy?). But the Dubrovnik date sealed it. Nice guy, but no dice. I felt kinda bad for him as he made his exit in the rain.

The other swing and a miss came from resident meathead and self-proclaimed "bad boy" Ryan. He and Emily seemed to enjoy a relatively OK date, engaging in their usual Southern banter. But Ryan was increasingly clueless about how to win Emily over. His insistence on finding a "trophy wife" rubbed her the wrong way (gee, I wonder why?) and he failed to notice that the more time they spent together the more the flirting was one-sided. And clueless he remained, even when Emily told him he was not getting a rose. He was "shocked" and "surprised" and not ready to leave. He cajoled and yammered on and kept swinging for the fences, but our bachelorette wasn't swayed. Yahoo! Ryan, take your oddly coiffed facial hair and blue-suede loafers and head on home.

Bachelorette Emily Maynard with the final, skirted six.

Group dates don't tend to yield a lot of connection, but this week's had its share. And for once, it was even fun to watch. After a private screening of Disney-Pixar's new animated film "Brave," Emily garbed Chris, Arie, Jef, John, Sean and Doug in kilts (yup, that's them in the photo) and sent them off on donkeys to be manly men in a modified version of the Highland Games. (By the way, pretty much everyone but Arie looked damn good in a skirt. Nice legs, boys!) They shot arrows. They tossed cabers. They muscled lazy sticks (don't ask). And they did it in good humor. But it wasn't the strongest or most agile of the bunch who got Emily's attention; it was the one who struggled the most -- Chris (definitely not Gerard Butler, but getting closer all the time). He got a special "bravery cup" and the group date rose. Good going Gerard, I mean Chris. 

What else happened this week? You know, the usual: lots of kissing and swooning and grammatical error-making. (Really, Arie, "shookin' up"? Yeesh.) Emily walked in crazy high heels on medieval cobblestone streets. The guys yukked it up and stressed out and hoped for the best. And in the end, six skirted suitors are off to next week's destination: Prague. Until then, na shledanou!

The Bachelorette / Week 5

Will the Real Romeo Please Stand Up?

I'll be the first to admit that most of the guys redeemed themselves this week in an episode fraught with drama (real or staged, we'll never know). I said most. Because one Kalon, a.k.a. Chopper (ugh, those enormous teeth!), finally got his comeuppance for weeks of rude, condescending BS. Yes, friends, I should have known he'd be on the receiving end of the most anticipated kiss-off in Bachelorette history. Get the f*ck out, indeed.

Leonardo DiCaprio as Romeo

I'm also not sold on Ryan, although Emily says she's starting to fall for his charms. He's entertaining, sure. But his "charms" are kinda cheesy, and so is his hair. He got to play Romeo in a group-date performance in Shakespeare's birthplace, but his antics were more tragicomic than romantic. Look out Leonardo DiCaprio? I think not, lame sir.

As for the rest of the lot, London, the series locale du jour, seemed to bring out a more relaxed, human side. Doug, who I mocked ruthlessly last week, was even-keeled, bordering on playful. Alejandro was hopeful. Arie was humble. Travis was pleasantly goofy. But two gentlemen stood out from the crowd, at least as far as Miss Maynard was concerned: Blonde Sean and one-f Jef.

OK, so basically there's nothing wrong with Sean, the 28-year-old insurance agent from Dallas. He's attractive (yes, he and Emily look really good together), confident, polite -- yeah, a real stand-up guy. But I'll stand by my week-one assessment that he's boring. Ironically, Emily does not agree with me. In fact, she told him, and I quote, "Guys who look like you are usually boring, but you're not." Well, it's a good thing she's dating him and I'm not. Yet, to be fair, there aren't any real firecrackers among the guys, are there? No real deep thinkers. At this stage in the game, though, Emily seems content to find a man who will be kind to her and her 6-year-old daughter and who will have their back no matter what. Maybe Sean is that man. Time will tell.

One-f Jef. Could he be Emily's baby-faced Romeo?

The other star of this week's show was little-man Jef. He seems like a really nice guy. Sincere. Honest. Cute. Semi-confident. Sweet. And I'm guessing he somehow looks older in person than he does on TV, because Emily's attraction to him is palpable. Hell, our friend Leo DiCaprio had a baby face when he played Romeo on the big screen. Maybe Emily's on to something here. Their time in a London pub sipping pints and chatting seemed among the most "normal" on the show thus far. And when they finally shared a kiss after a romantic evening spent on the London Eye, it was more than a peck, let me tell ya. I'll say it again, folks: Time will tell.

When the episode was said and done, Kalon was long gone, of course, but so was sweet Alejandro, our resident mushroom farmer from San Francisco. I hadn't realized until he was already cabbing it to Heathrow airport that he was only 24 years old, because he carried himself with grace and maturity. Poor kid actually seemed heartbroken. Kind of a shame to see him leave when goofballs like Ryan and Travis get to stick around. But this is Emily's journey, after all. And with that, I'll leave you with the real recap of the week: A few of the choicest quotes from our Bachelorette's mouth, said with an adorable Southern accent.

"I want to rip his limbs off and beat him with them." 

(When she learns that Kalon referred to her daughter as "baggage.")

"I was ready to go West Virgina hood rat backwoods on his ass." 

(Yup, more fury toward Kalon.)

"I thought it was a good idea, but I'm ready to get the hell out of here." 

(When high tea with Jef got to be a bit too stuffy, thanks to an etiquette coach.)

Keep 'em comin', Emily! Next week, Croatia. See y'all then.

P.S. Ryan, you ain't no Romeo.

The Bachelorette / Week 4

Mano a Mano

The testosterone was pumping on this week's episode as our frat boys, er bachelors, headed to Bermuda for a week of fun, sun and chest-thumping on their quest to win Emily Maynard's heart. Macho meathead Ryan vs. race car driver Arie. Chris (not Gerard Butler) vs. Doug the Hugger. All the guys vs. Doug the Damn Grouch, who gets the prized one-on-one date and goes all Negative Nelly on us in anticipation (what's his problem, anyway?).

Oh, if only Emily knew. She and daughter Ricki seem so content frolicking along the Bermuda beach that one forgets for a moment the whole purpose of the show -- to find a mister for miss Maynard. As the dudes come hootin' and hollerin' up to the hotel on their scooters, I, for one, have my doubts. Hell, I can hardly muster the energy to write this recap. Imagine having to muster the energy to go on a date with Doomsday Doug.

He's "just Doug." Don't expect him to make the first move.

I know, I know. There I go being mean again. The truth is, a couple of the guys have actually grown on me. But Darkside Doug isn't one of them. Even Emily, who says there's nobody she'd rather spend the day with, thinks he's hiding something. Let's hope she finds out what it is -- and soon. Their date is a big pile of boring, shopping for island tchotchkes and listening to him yammer on about being a dad. More of the same at dinner, where Doug the Drip declares, "I'm just a guy. I'm just Doug." 

Alas, Doug the Slug gets a rose. But does Emily get a kiss? Nope. Saint Doug tells us behind the scenes that he doesn't "ever make the first move, ever." You know what I have to say to that? What-ever. Do us all a favor and get lost.

Another day, another group date, this one carrying the competitive theme of the week by pitting the guys against each other in a sailboat race. Yawn. The most interesting thing about this date is that Kalon, a.k.a. Chopper, keeps his mouth shut. Jef cuts his finger. Arie and Ryan play nice for a while. And together they beat out Sean, Chris (not Gerard Butler), Travis and Charlie, who sobs in the van on the way back to the hotel -- sobs, people! Seems the prospect of losing out on an evening with Emily is too much for him. Get it together, man.

Race car driver Arie wastes no time heading for the winner's circle later in the evening. He's the first to whisk Emily off to the beach for a makeout session. Babyface Jef is next to have some alone time with our lass and while he charms her with his adorable (and seemingly sincere) "I like you," he doesn't lean in for a lip lock. No matter; Emily decides he's worth the wait. Yeah, maybe she's waiting for him to make it through puberty. I like him, I really do, but he kind of looks like her younger brother. The little cherub is doing something right, though, because he gets the group date rose -- again. 

The third and final date of the week is the dreaded two-on-one. In this diabolical setup, two guys go out with Emily, but only one gets to come back. The whole thing is so awkward and gross, I won't bore you with the details. The winner is John, the guy who calls himself "Wolf." The loser is Nate, whose only crime as far as I could tell was mispronouncing the word quinoa. Poor fella. Hey, before I worked at a national food magazine I didn't know how the hell to pronounce it either.

Jef and Emily

Finally, we arrive at another pre-rose-ceremony cocktail party. By now I'm about to doze off when I see Jef (remember folks, that's Jef with one f) wearing Bermuda shorts with knee-high socks. Is he for real? I wish I could make fun of him, but I have to admit, it's kinda genius. After all, when in Bermuda. Get it?

Let's see, what else ... Well, Ryan chastises Emily for making out with Arie the race car driver, preaching some BS about setting an example for the young girls of America. Later he confides to us that he's readying himself for something "bigger." Apparently, he's auditioning to be the next bachelor. Not for all the creatine at the gym, Meathead. Go lift some more weights, you freak.

Meanwhile, Chris (not Gerard Butler) and Smug Doug have a showdown about who's the better man. I vote for Chris. He may not be Gerard Butler, but he's got more personality and class than his older nemesis, that's for sure. When all the roses are handed out, it's bye bye Charlie and so long pony-tailed Michael. Anybody else feel the producers' influence here? From what I've seen of Miss E., she's no dummy, so ratings pressure is the only explanation for keeping Ryan and Kalon (that's Meathead and Chopper to you and me) around.

Next week the whole gang's off to London. Cheerio until then!