The Bachelorette / Week 7

Czech Mate

Week seven proved lucky for a few fellas vying for Emily Maynard's hand; for a couple of others, it was game over. The setting was Prague and the stakes were high -- the four left standing after this episode would be welcoming the bachelorette to their hometowns. And in case the guys weren't aware, host Chris Harrison was there to remind them that this was "by far the biggest week." (Thanks, Chris, hadn't realized.)

Arie and Emily lock lips on the streets of Prague.

I'm not keeping count (damn!), but I'm pretty sure week seven featured the most makeout sessions of the season so far. Race car driver Arie and Miss E. brought plenty of PDA to Prague, walking and kissing and kissing and walking and talking and kissing and kissing and kissing. Theirs was the first one-on-one date of the week and it had its share of makeouts and mock drama. I say mock, because the whole "scandal" regarding Arie's long-ago entanglement with one of the show's producers was much ado about nothing. Who cares? Not even Emily, when all was said and done.

That's not to say I don't think Arie's a little skeezy. He started out strong but his appeal has waned of late (bad grammar aside, the dude's a bit too sure of himself and kind of dirty-looking, if you ask me). Alas, Emily is enamored and was clearly moved by his "I love you" at the end of the evening. Cue the fireworks (no, that's not a metaphor, folks, this is reality TV -- there were real fireworks, and lots of 'em).

The second one-on-one went to John, who is about as interesting as a blank wall. This is a dating show, buddy. Slow and not-so-steady does not win the race. Neither does no eye contact. And the dinnertime sob story about how you got cheated on? Not sexy. All of which begs the question, how the hell did you get the nickname "Wolf"?

Déjà vu: Sean and Emily lock lips on the streets of Prague.

Back at the bachelor pad, the tension is mounting. Chris (not Gerard Butler) is stressing and "needs a drink" -- and that's before he finds out he's on the week's only group date. When John "Wolf" returns from his date all giddy and overconfident (fine, he made out with Emily -- but who hasn't?), Chris (not G.B.) is so distraught, he doesn't even notice Blonde Sean bolting out the door. How do ya like that, folks? Mr. Boring breaks out of his shell and makes his move, jogging into the night shouting Emily's name. No sooner does he track her down than the two are -- you guessed it -- making out, and it's pretty hot. More PDA in Prague. Way to go, blondie!

The group date is awkward and not really worth rehashing, except to tell you that Chris (not G.B.) sulks, Sean gets the rose (told you the kissing was hot) and Doug the Dad gets sent home. I know, I know, I gave the guy a really hard time in weeks past, but his parting was pretty sad. Though he did steal a kiss (at last!), he said it best as the door was hitting him on the ass -- he was "a day late and a dollar short." Hey Doug, my mom's got a crush on you, so if you're reading this, just say the word and I'll give you her number. Either way, good luck to you, man.

One-f Jef floors Emily with his charms.

The final one-on-one is a dandy: One-f Jef and Emily play with dolls, roll around on the floor of a library (you can't make this stuff up, people) and they kiss. A lot. And when they're not kissing, Jef finds the missing f in his name with a quote that is surely blowing up the Twittersphere. Are you sitting down? Here is what he says to Miss E. in the throes of passion: "I want to date you so hard and marry the f*ck out of you." Like I said, you can't make this stuff up.

Now a quick rundown of the cocktail party that wasn't -- and the rose ceremony that was. John "Wolf" acts like an ass, because Chris (not G.B.) makes a last-ditch plea to Emily to keep him around, and it works. So next week we'll crisscross the country as our fair-haired bachelorette visits Arie, Sean, Jef and Chris on their turf. The stakes are high, indeed.