The Bachelorette / Week 5

Will the Real Romeo Please Stand Up?

I'll be the first to admit that most of the guys redeemed themselves this week in an episode fraught with drama (real or staged, we'll never know). I said most. Because one Kalon, a.k.a. Chopper (ugh, those enormous teeth!), finally got his comeuppance for weeks of rude, condescending BS. Yes, friends, I should have known he'd be on the receiving end of the most anticipated kiss-off in Bachelorette history. Get the f*ck out, indeed.

Leonardo DiCaprio as Romeo

I'm also not sold on Ryan, although Emily says she's starting to fall for his charms. He's entertaining, sure. But his "charms" are kinda cheesy, and so is his hair. He got to play Romeo in a group-date performance in Shakespeare's birthplace, but his antics were more tragicomic than romantic. Look out Leonardo DiCaprio? I think not, lame sir.

As for the rest of the lot, London, the series locale du jour, seemed to bring out a more relaxed, human side. Doug, who I mocked ruthlessly last week, was even-keeled, bordering on playful. Alejandro was hopeful. Arie was humble. Travis was pleasantly goofy. But two gentlemen stood out from the crowd, at least as far as Miss Maynard was concerned: Blonde Sean and one-f Jef.

OK, so basically there's nothing wrong with Sean, the 28-year-old insurance agent from Dallas. He's attractive (yes, he and Emily look really good together), confident, polite -- yeah, a real stand-up guy. But I'll stand by my week-one assessment that he's boring. Ironically, Emily does not agree with me. In fact, she told him, and I quote, "Guys who look like you are usually boring, but you're not." Well, it's a good thing she's dating him and I'm not. Yet, to be fair, there aren't any real firecrackers among the guys, are there? No real deep thinkers. At this stage in the game, though, Emily seems content to find a man who will be kind to her and her 6-year-old daughter and who will have their back no matter what. Maybe Sean is that man. Time will tell.

One-f Jef. Could he be Emily's baby-faced Romeo?

The other star of this week's show was little-man Jef. He seems like a really nice guy. Sincere. Honest. Cute. Semi-confident. Sweet. And I'm guessing he somehow looks older in person than he does on TV, because Emily's attraction to him is palpable. Hell, our friend Leo DiCaprio had a baby face when he played Romeo on the big screen. Maybe Emily's on to something here. Their time in a London pub sipping pints and chatting seemed among the most "normal" on the show thus far. And when they finally shared a kiss after a romantic evening spent on the London Eye, it was more than a peck, let me tell ya. I'll say it again, folks: Time will tell.

When the episode was said and done, Kalon was long gone, of course, but so was sweet Alejandro, our resident mushroom farmer from San Francisco. I hadn't realized until he was already cabbing it to Heathrow airport that he was only 24 years old, because he carried himself with grace and maturity. Poor kid actually seemed heartbroken. Kind of a shame to see him leave when goofballs like Ryan and Travis get to stick around. But this is Emily's journey, after all. And with that, I'll leave you with the real recap of the week: A few of the choicest quotes from our Bachelorette's mouth, said with an adorable Southern accent.

"I want to rip his limbs off and beat him with them." 

(When she learns that Kalon referred to her daughter as "baggage.")

"I was ready to go West Virgina hood rat backwoods on his ass." 

(Yup, more fury toward Kalon.)

"I thought it was a good idea, but I'm ready to get the hell out of here." 

(When high tea with Jef got to be a bit too stuffy, thanks to an etiquette coach.)

Keep 'em comin', Emily! Next week, Croatia. See y'all then.

P.S. Ryan, you ain't no Romeo.