The Bachelorette / Finale

Storybook Ending

They're engaged! Emily and One-f Jef.

Well, folks, it's all over. Or is it just beginning? By now you know that Emily Maynard picked One-f Jef to be her main man. He got on one knee on a sunny day in Curacao and asked her to marry him. And she said yes. And it took two hours of extremely manipulative TV programming and editing to get us there. Actually, it took 10 weeks of extremely manipulative TV programming and editing to get us there, but I'm not bitter. I knew what I was signing up for from the start. And in spite of some natural cynicism (I'm a romantic, not an idiot), I have high hopes for Em and Jef. If they're smart, they'll follow in the footsteps of Trista and Ryan (you know, the original Bachelorette and her hunky firefighting man), get themselves hitched and live happily ever after.

This season's fair-haired bride-to-be was thoughtful and gracious throughout the process, but she showed some extra class in the way she let her No. 2 man, race car driver Arie, go on the finale. It was awful, sure. Absolutely cringe-worthy -- what breakup isn't? But rather than go the ultra-humiliating route of seasons past and let the poor schmuck get on one knee, ring-in-hand, before hitting him with the news (yes, Ashley Hebert, I'm talking about you), Emily said her goodbye to Arie on what was to be their final date. She faltered a little (did she really expect him to comfort her?) But her instincts were right on. Why drag out the drama when her mind was -- at last -- made up? And he, for all his bad grammar and weeks of excessive lip lickin' 'n' lockin', redeemed himself at the moment of truth. He was respectful and sweet, without being a wuss. In a word, dignified. 

Arie as Juliet's nurse. New career?

Good goin', Arie ... may the force be with you. And if racing doesn't pan out, there's always the Royal Shakespeare Company.

What else is there to rehash? There are some positives about One-f Jef to take from his demeanor throughout the finale. First, he didn't head for the hills after meeting Emily's family (frankly, her brother would have sent me packing), and second, he stuck to his guns about wanting to meet Ricki, his potential stepdaughter. When the latter happened and it went well (Jef's a natural), ya kinda figured Arie was out of luck. How tacky and irresponsible would Emily have been to introduce a second guy to her 6-year-old the very next day? Instead, she let Jef into her inner circle, sealing the deal once and for all. 

Happily ever after? Let's hope so! Jef, Emily and Ricki.

So now I'm repeating myself, but only time will tell if this union will last a lifetime. Things are off to a promising start, if the live "After the Final Rose" segment is any indication. Emily and Jef shared a kiss and announced some future plans. He'll be relocating to Charlotte, N.C., so as not to uproot Ricki. They'll be jetting off to Africa to do some charity work.

After no fewer than 19 (yes, 19!) post-show breakups in the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise, it certainly would be refreshing to witness a true success story. This hopeless romantic will be crossing fingers and periodically checking the mailbox for a wedding invite. Hey, stranger things have happened.

The Bachelorette / Week 9

Pressure Cooker

Emily Maynard is nearing the end of her Bachelorette journey. She's down to three eligible bachelors, and the going's gettin' tough. The setting is the tranquil island of Curacao, but the tension is high and the pressure's on. For the uninitiated, this is the stage in the proceedings when the dates have the potential to be all-nighters. There will be fantasy suites on offer, where Emily and her men can choose to spend some quality, intimate time, sans cameras and audience. Mmm hmm -- you heard me.

No, really, Sean's not uncomfortable at all (poor fella).

First up is Blonde Sean, who has distinguished himself thus far by not declaring his love for our fair-haired gal. So what does he do right off the bat? He declares his love for our fair-haired gal. But not to her -- to the camera (in other words, to us!). He's fretting big-time over how to actually tell her. And that pretty much sets the stage for an awkward day, even if it is in paradise. They fly in a helicopter to a private isle. He's desperate to open up. She's desperate for him to open up. Yikes, can we all just lighten up?

During dinner on the beach, Sean musters his courage. He shares a very sweet letter he's written to Ricki about how he would like to fit into her life. He's dazed. He's confused. He's a deer in the headlights, people. It's so uncomfortable to watch. And when he says it, at last, that he's "fallen in love" with Emily, we can all take a deep breath and move on. Phew. The two do head off to their fantasy suite, and there's plenty of touching and kissing and declarative voice-over madness. But -- surprise, surprise -- Emily cuts the night short. As a mom she feels compelled to set a good example for her daughter. OK, we get it, but ... oh, never mind.

Emily shares a sweet kiss with One-f Jef.

Next up is One-f Jef, who's been a pretty cool cat up to now. But what do ya know? He's nervous, too. There's no question he's head over heels for Emily, but he admits there are some obstacles left (yeah, those two other guys) and he's got questions. Once he and his lady love are aboard a huge sailboat on the crystal blue water, though, it's literally smooth sailing. They talk about meeting each other's parents, about him being a good dad, about how they "get" each other and all is well with the world.

Later, at dinner, Jef steps up with some more questions (what a practical young lad!), seems satisfied with the answers he gets and accepts the invite to the fantasy suite, but cautiously. Sure, it'd be "awesome" to spend some alone time together, but he realizes everyone they know will eventually be watching, so he would understand if it's not the right time or place. I'm impressed. Emily's impressed. She explains that she'd like to spend more time together, but she just can't stay the night. No prob, says One-f Jef ... let's go! Their fantasy suite is an incredibly exotic luxury tree house. Lots of kissing ensues.

Emily enjoys a mauling from Arie.

Of course the real kiss-fest comes last, when Arie the race car driver (and erstwhile makeout king) arrives for his island fantasy date. Emily's wondering what the rest of us are wondering ... is there more than a physical connection here? Em says Arie's a great kisser. Good thing, since that's all he ever wants to do. Swim with the dolphins? Sure, but can I kiss ya first? View? What view? You mean of me kissing you? Yeah, I think I caught our reflection on the water. Look, I'm no prude, but I've seen Arie's lick-the-lips-and-lean-in approach one too many times now. Eeeewwww.

Anyway, the guy does manage to get serious at dinner, when he ponders what "real" life with Emily and Ricki would be like. He seems sincere enough, but it's hard to picture them all settling down together in Scottsdale, Ariz., particularly with his scary moder lurking around. Yet the way Emily tells it, Arie just may be the one. "From our first date, I was done," she says. Which leads to the fantasy suite quandary. Should she or shouldn't she? I mean, he IS such a great kisser and all. Alas, Em resists temptation and doesn't even float the option. I've gotta say, very little surprises me on this show, but that was a real surprise. Sorry, Arie.

In the end, you know what's coming: Somebody's getting kicked to the curb on Curacao. Whether you watched the show or not, if you've been paying attention for the last few paragraphs, you know Sean's the one to go. "I feel kinda stupid," he says, and I feel for him. All that pressure to lay his heart on the line and then pow, it's over. Yuck. Not fun. But he maintains his cool and exits with class. And that, folks, is how to get dumped on national TV -- with class.

I'll be back in a week or so to dish on what host Chris Harrison reminds us is "the television event of the summer." No, not the Olympic Games, silly, The Bachelorette finale! Ciao for now.

The Bachelorette / Week 8

Meet the Parents

Never mind that our intrepid bachelorette traveled to four hometowns to meet four families in a single week, I'll bet you've been wondering what the heck happened to me, right? Let's just say there were a lot of distractions (fireworks, food, Wimbledon) and the latest episode was a bit of a snoozer. But I'm back -- just in time to catch you up before another Monday night rolls around.

So here's the quick and dirty rundown. Emily's first stop: Chicago, where Chris (not Gerard Butler) is eager to show his more confident side on his home turf. His parents are humble, sweet, CorningWare-on-the-table types who are easily sold on Miss E. as their son's perfect match. I'm not so sure. In fact, the whole date feels like a lead-up to a let-down, if you ask me (foreshadowing?). Also, if you're keeping score at home, Chris (not G.B.) says the magic words. Yup, folks, he's in love with her.

One-f Jef pours his heart out on the hometown visit.

Next stop: Holmstead Ranch, a.k.a. One-f Jef's impressive family spread in St. George, Utah. The place looks straight out of Sunset magazine or the Sundance catalog or something like that (you get my drift). Gorgeous. It's the perfect setting for a rambunctious ATV ride and some skeet shootin'. Emily thinks Jef is hot in his skinny jeans. Jef thinks Emily "looks so hot holding a gun." It's all just foreplay for the best part of the date -- after the grilling by Jef's brother and sisters, which ends with everyone's approval -- when our baby-faced Romeo whips out some notes he wrote on the plane ride home from Europe. Look, I'm a hopeless romantic and a friggin' reality TV junkie, so I'm a sucker for this sort of thing, and I'll admit, Jef's note brought tears to my eyes.

Did I just write that? Why yes, I did. All you cynics be damned; I thought Jef's words had all the right touches of sweetness, sincerity, spice and more. He wants to wake up to Emily's big brown eyes everyday. He wants to cheer daughter Ricki up when she's sad and laugh with her when she's happy. And, you guessed it folks, he's in love with Emily, too.

Stifler's mom

Date three begins at a racetrack outside of Scottsdale, Ariz., where race car driver Arie can't wait to show Emily his moves. He takes her for a spin in his IndyCar and I'm wondering if the fumes got to her, because she thinks "Arie definitely looks stupid hot" in his racing outfit. Stupid, maybe. But hot? More like smelly. Later, Emily and Arie have a picnic and he preps her for her big meet the parents moment. He's concerned that things will be awkward because they're European. Truth is they're awkward because his dad's a drip (I know, I know, he won the Indy 500 twice and all that crap, but he doesn't have much to say these days, does he?!) and his mom's just plain scary. I prefer Stifler's mom. At least she's fun. Can you say The Real Housewives of Scottsdale? Yikes.

Arie's mom

Arie's parents' adobe-style house is another worthy of a magazine spread, but its inhabitants are boring (I don't think his sister or twin brothers said a single word) and rude (moder had the gall to hold a gossip session about Emily in Dutch -- right in front of Emily's face). Somehow none of that mattered in the end, because as Emily tells it, it was another wonderful day. Odd. Very odd.

Fourth stop: Dallas, Texas, where Sean scores some points for introducing Emily to his "little girls" -- a pair of extremely well-behaved dogs. He reveals that he just wants a "simple but beautiful life" and proceeds to take Emily to the set of a Better Homes and Gardens photo shoot. Oh, wait, that's his parents' house. Not a blade of grass out of place at this homestead, which comes complete with a playhouse for Sean's niece that is straight out of a fairy tale. Emily proclaims them the "world's most perfect family." Sigh.

I'll give props to Sean's dad, who seems very down to earth and sweet, but the visit took a turn for the weird when Sean (nee Blonde & Boring) decided to become a prankster, first solemnly confessing that he actually still lives at home (gulp) and then taking Emily up to his pig sty of a room and introducing her to his menagerie of stuffed animals. But before our gal can hot-foot it outta there, he fesses up that it's all just a joke. Hahaha. Not funny. Again, Emily is unfazed and Sean gets some big-time kisses, in spite of being the only guy of the final four not to profess his love for her. C'mon, man, it's been nearly two months -- what're ya waitin' for? (Oh, stop, I'm kidding!)

Final destination: Los Angeles, where Chris (not Gerard Butler) gets sent packing once and for all. I have two theories: Either Emily got a glimpse of his temper and thought to hell with it, or she finally realized he's not Gerard Butler. Cue the obligatory post-dump limo rant, where any semblance of class gets flushed down the toilet. "I'm 10 times the f****** man of all those dudes that are still there," he says. Thanks for sharing.