The Bachelorette / Week 8

Meet the Parents

Never mind that our intrepid bachelorette traveled to four hometowns to meet four families in a single week, I'll bet you've been wondering what the heck happened to me, right? Let's just say there were a lot of distractions (fireworks, food, Wimbledon) and the latest episode was a bit of a snoozer. But I'm back -- just in time to catch you up before another Monday night rolls around.

So here's the quick and dirty rundown. Emily's first stop: Chicago, where Chris (not Gerard Butler) is eager to show his more confident side on his home turf. His parents are humble, sweet, CorningWare-on-the-table types who are easily sold on Miss E. as their son's perfect match. I'm not so sure. In fact, the whole date feels like a lead-up to a let-down, if you ask me (foreshadowing?). Also, if you're keeping score at home, Chris (not G.B.) says the magic words. Yup, folks, he's in love with her.

One-f Jef pours his heart out on the hometown visit.

Next stop: Holmstead Ranch, a.k.a. One-f Jef's impressive family spread in St. George, Utah. The place looks straight out of Sunset magazine or the Sundance catalog or something like that (you get my drift). Gorgeous. It's the perfect setting for a rambunctious ATV ride and some skeet shootin'. Emily thinks Jef is hot in his skinny jeans. Jef thinks Emily "looks so hot holding a gun." It's all just foreplay for the best part of the date -- after the grilling by Jef's brother and sisters, which ends with everyone's approval -- when our baby-faced Romeo whips out some notes he wrote on the plane ride home from Europe. Look, I'm a hopeless romantic and a friggin' reality TV junkie, so I'm a sucker for this sort of thing, and I'll admit, Jef's note brought tears to my eyes.

Did I just write that? Why yes, I did. All you cynics be damned; I thought Jef's words had all the right touches of sweetness, sincerity, spice and more. He wants to wake up to Emily's big brown eyes everyday. He wants to cheer daughter Ricki up when she's sad and laugh with her when she's happy. And, you guessed it folks, he's in love with Emily, too.

Stifler's mom

Date three begins at a racetrack outside of Scottsdale, Ariz., where race car driver Arie can't wait to show Emily his moves. He takes her for a spin in his IndyCar and I'm wondering if the fumes got to her, because she thinks "Arie definitely looks stupid hot" in his racing outfit. Stupid, maybe. But hot? More like smelly. Later, Emily and Arie have a picnic and he preps her for her big meet the parents moment. He's concerned that things will be awkward because they're European. Truth is they're awkward because his dad's a drip (I know, I know, he won the Indy 500 twice and all that crap, but he doesn't have much to say these days, does he?!) and his mom's just plain scary. I prefer Stifler's mom. At least she's fun. Can you say The Real Housewives of Scottsdale? Yikes.

Arie's mom

Arie's parents' adobe-style house is another worthy of a magazine spread, but its inhabitants are boring (I don't think his sister or twin brothers said a single word) and rude (moder had the gall to hold a gossip session about Emily in Dutch -- right in front of Emily's face). Somehow none of that mattered in the end, because as Emily tells it, it was another wonderful day. Odd. Very odd.

Fourth stop: Dallas, Texas, where Sean scores some points for introducing Emily to his "little girls" -- a pair of extremely well-behaved dogs. He reveals that he just wants a "simple but beautiful life" and proceeds to take Emily to the set of a Better Homes and Gardens photo shoot. Oh, wait, that's his parents' house. Not a blade of grass out of place at this homestead, which comes complete with a playhouse for Sean's niece that is straight out of a fairy tale. Emily proclaims them the "world's most perfect family." Sigh.

I'll give props to Sean's dad, who seems very down to earth and sweet, but the visit took a turn for the weird when Sean (nee Blonde & Boring) decided to become a prankster, first solemnly confessing that he actually still lives at home (gulp) and then taking Emily up to his pig sty of a room and introducing her to his menagerie of stuffed animals. But before our gal can hot-foot it outta there, he fesses up that it's all just a joke. Hahaha. Not funny. Again, Emily is unfazed and Sean gets some big-time kisses, in spite of being the only guy of the final four not to profess his love for her. C'mon, man, it's been nearly two months -- what're ya waitin' for? (Oh, stop, I'm kidding!)

Final destination: Los Angeles, where Chris (not Gerard Butler) gets sent packing once and for all. I have two theories: Either Emily got a glimpse of his temper and thought to hell with it, or she finally realized he's not Gerard Butler. Cue the obligatory post-dump limo rant, where any semblance of class gets flushed down the toilet. "I'm 10 times the f****** man of all those dudes that are still there," he says. Thanks for sharing.