The Bachelorette / Week 9

Pressure Cooker

Emily Maynard is nearing the end of her Bachelorette journey. She's down to three eligible bachelors, and the going's gettin' tough. The setting is the tranquil island of Curacao, but the tension is high and the pressure's on. For the uninitiated, this is the stage in the proceedings when the dates have the potential to be all-nighters. There will be fantasy suites on offer, where Emily and her men can choose to spend some quality, intimate time, sans cameras and audience. Mmm hmm -- you heard me.

No, really, Sean's not uncomfortable at all (poor fella).

First up is Blonde Sean, who has distinguished himself thus far by not declaring his love for our fair-haired gal. So what does he do right off the bat? He declares his love for our fair-haired gal. But not to her -- to the camera (in other words, to us!). He's fretting big-time over how to actually tell her. And that pretty much sets the stage for an awkward day, even if it is in paradise. They fly in a helicopter to a private isle. He's desperate to open up. She's desperate for him to open up. Yikes, can we all just lighten up?

During dinner on the beach, Sean musters his courage. He shares a very sweet letter he's written to Ricki about how he would like to fit into her life. He's dazed. He's confused. He's a deer in the headlights, people. It's so uncomfortable to watch. And when he says it, at last, that he's "fallen in love" with Emily, we can all take a deep breath and move on. Phew. The two do head off to their fantasy suite, and there's plenty of touching and kissing and declarative voice-over madness. But -- surprise, surprise -- Emily cuts the night short. As a mom she feels compelled to set a good example for her daughter. OK, we get it, but ... oh, never mind.

Emily shares a sweet kiss with One-f Jef.

Next up is One-f Jef, who's been a pretty cool cat up to now. But what do ya know? He's nervous, too. There's no question he's head over heels for Emily, but he admits there are some obstacles left (yeah, those two other guys) and he's got questions. Once he and his lady love are aboard a huge sailboat on the crystal blue water, though, it's literally smooth sailing. They talk about meeting each other's parents, about him being a good dad, about how they "get" each other and all is well with the world.

Later, at dinner, Jef steps up with some more questions (what a practical young lad!), seems satisfied with the answers he gets and accepts the invite to the fantasy suite, but cautiously. Sure, it'd be "awesome" to spend some alone time together, but he realizes everyone they know will eventually be watching, so he would understand if it's not the right time or place. I'm impressed. Emily's impressed. She explains that she'd like to spend more time together, but she just can't stay the night. No prob, says One-f Jef ... let's go! Their fantasy suite is an incredibly exotic luxury tree house. Lots of kissing ensues.

Emily enjoys a mauling from Arie.

Of course the real kiss-fest comes last, when Arie the race car driver (and erstwhile makeout king) arrives for his island fantasy date. Emily's wondering what the rest of us are wondering ... is there more than a physical connection here? Em says Arie's a great kisser. Good thing, since that's all he ever wants to do. Swim with the dolphins? Sure, but can I kiss ya first? View? What view? You mean of me kissing you? Yeah, I think I caught our reflection on the water. Look, I'm no prude, but I've seen Arie's lick-the-lips-and-lean-in approach one too many times now. Eeeewwww.

Anyway, the guy does manage to get serious at dinner, when he ponders what "real" life with Emily and Ricki would be like. He seems sincere enough, but it's hard to picture them all settling down together in Scottsdale, Ariz., particularly with his scary moder lurking around. Yet the way Emily tells it, Arie just may be the one. "From our first date, I was done," she says. Which leads to the fantasy suite quandary. Should she or shouldn't she? I mean, he IS such a great kisser and all. Alas, Em resists temptation and doesn't even float the option. I've gotta say, very little surprises me on this show, but that was a real surprise. Sorry, Arie.

In the end, you know what's coming: Somebody's getting kicked to the curb on Curacao. Whether you watched the show or not, if you've been paying attention for the last few paragraphs, you know Sean's the one to go. "I feel kinda stupid," he says, and I feel for him. All that pressure to lay his heart on the line and then pow, it's over. Yuck. Not fun. But he maintains his cool and exits with class. And that, folks, is how to get dumped on national TV -- with class.

I'll be back in a week or so to dish on what host Chris Harrison reminds us is "the television event of the summer." No, not the Olympic Games, silly, The Bachelorette finale! Ciao for now.