The Bachelorette / Week 3

Good Golly, it's Dolly!

Dolly Parton

You want the secret to lasting love? Ask someone who's been married for more than 45 years and still talks about her man with a smile on her face. Yep, friends, the one and only Dolly Parton made a surprise appearance on last night's episode, singing love songs and giving sage advice. If just one of the bachelors trying to lasso Emily's heart can make her eyes gleam the way they did when she met the Queen of Country Music, this whole shebang might work out after all.

Emily's trip to Dollywood with 30-year-old race car driver Arie was one of two one-on-one dates doled out this week. The other, which started the show, went to Chris (not Gerard Butler), who seems like a pretty decent guy. Once she got past the fact that he's only 25 and accepted his "I'm a man" declaration, Emily gave Chris (not Gerard Butler) a rose, confiding that he'd been at the top of her list since night one.

The date, which started with a climb to a high-rise rooftop (must we continue with these ridiculous so-called bonding rituals?), ended with a not-so-private concert by country crooner Luke Bryan on a downtown Charlotte street corner. Unfazed by the setting, Chris (not Gerard Butler) scored the first smooch of the season by gallantly asking for permission first. Well played, sir.

The next day's group date offered no such opportunity for smooching or intimacy of any kind. Emily brought her girlfriends in to "grill" the guys, which they did in shameless fashion. There were the requisite "have you ever cheated" and "are you ready to be a dad" questions. And then there were the "take off your shirt and let's see some push-ups" demands. Gross. Imagine if Ben's friends pulled that on The Bachelor last season -- "Hey, show us your rack!" and "How about some deep knee bends while you're at it?" Yeah, lawsuit.

The upshot of the daytime group date is that blonde & boring Sean emerged as a leading candidate (interesting, considering he'd been blending in with the furniture for two weeks); Jef charmed by hitting the playground with the kids Emily brought in for the occasion (it helps that he looks like a kid, himself); and Ryan's true colors began to emerge (he's a competitive, possessive, testosterone-fueled jock who has already warned our bachelorette that if she gets fat, he'll still love her, but he may not love on her as much -- charming).

Chopper look-alike (with smaller teeth)

The evening segment of the group date is monopolized by an overemotional Tony, who's missing his kid (understandable) but acting more like a prisoner of war than a man who willingly went on a reality TV show (idiot). Emily calls him a cab and soon calls it a night. Cut to the bachelor mansion, where Arie the race car driver is awarded date two of the week. Kalon, a.k.a. Chopper (nee Helicopter Boy) is jealous. I can almost hear him gnashing his giant teeth.

As you know, date two is all about Dollywood: thrill rides, carnival booths, walking hand-in-hand and getting serenaded by Dolly Friggin' Parton (I'm quoting Emily there). The bad news for Arie is that he's nearly eclipsed by Dolly's charms. The good news for Arie is that he's able to use his quick, race car driver reflexes and capitalize on the moment by taking Miss E. into his arms and sweetly kissing her on the head. They dance, they have dinner, he gets a rose and then the real good stuff ensues. Chris (not Gerard Butler) may have gotten the first smooch of the season, but Arie scores the first big makeout session of the season. Yowza!

At the pre-rose-ceremony cocktail party, the sh*t hits the fan. Chopper acts like a total a-hole, and bizarre Brazilian -- and self-proclaimed gypsy king -- Alessandro implodes with a meandering speech about marriage and kids being a compromise. Más tarde, dude. Emily can't usher him to a cab fast enough. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for that rude-ass condescending creepazoid Kalon, a.k.a. Chopper. I thought I'd be doing a jig when Stevie, the Party MC, got sent packing, but no, my celebratory dance was put on ice when our fair-haired bachelorette gave a rose to Chopper instead. Forgive my ire, folks, the guy is a real schmuck. And, thanks to what I suspect is a little producer pressure -- "Ah, c'mon, Emily, he makes great TV" -- he's sticking around another week.

The Bachelorette / Week 2

A Prince Among Frogs

Kermit

Did somebody say Muppets? As in Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog? Am I on the right channel? ABC. Check. 9 p.m. Check. Yes, folks, the Muppets not only invaded Manhattan, but now they've taken Charlotte, N.C., and The Bachelorette by storm as well. And what does it say about Emily Maynard's human prospects when the biggest charmer of the night is a green puppet? 

Alright, maybe I'd better back up. I really do want Miss E. to find true love (oh, shut it ... so do you!), so I promised myself as I sat down to watch that I'd have a better attitude about the men vying for her affections. Alas, folks, they don't make it easy. First, the hair. Is it something in the water at the N.C. mansion? There are some jacked-up 'dos up in there. And the pecs. Some ain't half bad, but do we need to see so much of them? Ech, whatever.

Cut to date one, with Ryan, the former football player. Emily treats him to a day in the life with a soccer mom, shuttling him to her house in a minivan, having him haul in some groceries and tasking him with helping her bake cookies for Ricki's team. Ryan settles in soon enough, making do with the fact that Emily is probably the hottest soccer mom he'll ever hang out with. He even waits patiently in the van as she delivers the goods (she's not ready to make introductions yet) and smiles adoringly.

Part two of date one finds Emily handing Ryan the keys to a snazzy sports car, proclaiming, "You're the boss man." Ryan happy now. Ryan likey being the boss man. They walk a red carpet to Emily's favorite local restaurant (doesn't everybody?) while crowds of Charlotte's finest snap photos and shoot video. Inside, apparently the date is going well, because there's a lot of talk about connecting and such. Later, they're treated to a "private" concert by Em's favorite band, Gloriana, replete with a dance floor for two in the middle of more local crowds. Ryan scores a rose.

Gerard Butler

Back at the mansion, there's a veritable flesh fest of dudes at the pool, and Gerard Butler look-alike Chris reads the names of those slated to attend the group date -- all lucky 13 of them. They participate in a variety show for charity, in front of an audience of some 500 people, including Ricki and Emily's mom. And this is where the Muppets come in. Sounds ridiculous, I know, but it's actually not that bad, except when Stevie, the Party MC, gets a little too excited, and Tony breaks out his Kermit impression. And does anyone know why Brazilian native Alessandro is smiling from ear to ear? Is he thinking, I shoulda taken that left turn at Albuquerque? He has yet to say a word.

Chris (not Gerard Butler)

Things are decidedly less friendly at the cocktail party later in the evening. The whole "can I steal her away" ploy ensues and tempers flare, especially as Helicopter Boy cuts into Party MC's time and earns a new, utterly fantastic nickname, Chopper. Sorry, Kalon (Chopper's birth name), but with your big teeth, it's just too perfect. In the end, Emily is most intrigued by Jef, who isn't fawning all over her, and she gives him the date rose. Chris (not Gerard Butler) is pissed.

The second one-on-one date is hardly worth mentioning, because poor L.A. Joe, while "pumped" for the occasion, is a giant fish out of water at The Greenbrier, a swanky resort in Em's home state of West Virginia, where she channels her inner Scarlett O'Hara in a breathtaking gown and simply outclasses him from start to finish. No rose for Joe. Meanwhile, the real action is back at the mansion, where Doug the Hugger is lecturing Chopper on the merits of fatherhood and a lazy day at the pool is turning downright ugly.

Finally, it's time for another pre-rose-ceremony cocktail party and poor Chopper is off by himself pouting, but not for long. He and Emily have a chat and to the dismay of all in attendance, he is the recipient of the first rose of the night -- take that Party MC. No real big surprises as the rest of the roses are handed out. Emily's got one for Arie, the race car driver, Doug the Hugger, Alessandro and Alejandro. John "Wolf" will be sticking around another week, along with Tony and Chris and Charlie and John Boy (oh, wait, that's a different show). And did I mention Travis? He gets a rose, but his ostrich egg is oddly MIA (until the preview for next week, in which it appears to get smashed to bits by Miss E. herself -- holy smokes!). Can't wait.

Uncensored: The Junkie Files

The Bachelorette Season 8 Opener

Anxiously awaiting tonight's episode, I was taking a little gander at my notes from last week's proceedings to reacquaint myself with our Bachelorette's band of suitors. I got a kick out of my uncensored take on the goings-on, and I thought you might, too.

Notice the single mom ticker. Also, a pretty awesome Emily quote that I did not use in my recap: Trying to calm her nerves, psyching herself up for the night, she tells herself "put on your big girl panties." And then, my favorite quote of the season, which has yet to officially air (top right corner). Go, Miss E.!

The check marks were added as Emily handed out her roses at the end of the night. I don't remember Sean, the one I called "blonde & boring." Hmm ... I wonder why? Clearly, I did not think Joe was a viable candidate. I was wrong. Then again, I was right on about ole Jacko. Score one for the Junkie.

Ah, some of the night's most jaw-dropping moments came when these two clowns arrived. First, Stevie, the dancing buffoon. I thought Emily should have sent him moonwalking all the way home. Trust me, he won't last long. And Randy. Our short-lived resident granny. Still, I beg of you, WHY?

OK, allow me to elaborate a bit on Travis, Mr. Ostrich Egg. Apparently, so long as he's in the hunt for Emily's heart, ye olde egg will symbolize the great care with which he would treat her, her daughter Ricki and their love. Maybe those oversize cuffs on his dress shirt were throwing off his balance, because Travis didn't appear to have a solid grip on that egg during the rose ceremony. When will it crack? As for long-haired music man rehab counselor Michael, whose greeting gift to Emily was a guitar pick (uh, thanks?) -- yeah, I'm bored.

The Bachelorette

Season 8 Opener Recap

First Impressions

Emily Maynard

You won't find me dissing America's Newest Sweetheart (thanks, Chris Harrison!), single mom Emily Maynard, because ABC's latest Bachelorette is so damn nice. And down to earth. And just plain lovely. But I do think this season deserves its own special subtitle: "Operation Find a Dad for Ricki." There, I said it. So sue me.

As for Emily's suitors, can I get a collective oy vey? The parade of introductions was just ... so ... awk-ward.

But before I go on, let me introduce you to the single mom ticker. I realized a couple minutes into the show that single mom was something we'd be hearing a lot. I had no idea how much. Six times already in the first episode -- and that's not counting mentions of single dad or single parent (there were plenty of those, too). So stay tuned. And please, help me keep track!

Now back to the motley crew of gentlemen callers. What? You think I'm being harsh? There's obnoxious Helicopter Boy and his giant teeth. A bobbleheads toter. An ostrich-egg clutcher. A creepy high school biology teacher. Stevie, the dancing fool "Party MC." An Alessandro and an Alejandro (OK, he's cute). And we're just barely getting started, folks.

But the real heartstring-tugger appears to be Doug, the hugger (he said it, I didn't). A single, you guessed it, dad from Seattle, Doug wasted no time playing the kid card. Out from his jacket pocket came a handwritten letter to Emily from his 11-year-old son. Game over. The coveted first impression rose was all his.

Based on Emily's comments and on the titillating season highlights, there are a few other front-runners who actually seem kind of OK. Arie the race car driver. Jef (that's one f, people), the 27-year-old skateboard-riding entrepreneur who looks like he's 12 but nonetheless impressed Miss E. with his "cool vibe." And 25-year-old Nate, who gets a mention here only because he didn't do anything ridiculous -- yet.

So I'm hooked. And not just because I'm a sucker for souped-up TV romance. I'm watching at least until I see Emily tell one of her erstwhile suitors to "Get the f*** out," y'all! I gained a whole helluva lot of respect for her when I caught that season preview action. You go, Miss E.!

Until next time ...

P.S. Brent, you're 15 years Emily's senior and you're toting six kids. You had to know you'd be one of the first to go.

P.P.S. Jackson, your body may be fit, but your brain is pure cheese. Get it together, dude. And keep your damn clothes on.

P.P.P.S. Randy, you met America's Newest Sweetheart dressed as a granny. WTF were you thinking?