The Bachelorette / Week 2

A Prince Among Frogs

Kermit

Did somebody say Muppets? As in Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog? Am I on the right channel? ABC. Check. 9 p.m. Check. Yes, folks, the Muppets not only invaded Manhattan, but now they've taken Charlotte, N.C., and The Bachelorette by storm as well. And what does it say about Emily Maynard's human prospects when the biggest charmer of the night is a green puppet? 

Alright, maybe I'd better back up. I really do want Miss E. to find true love (oh, shut it ... so do you!), so I promised myself as I sat down to watch that I'd have a better attitude about the men vying for her affections. Alas, folks, they don't make it easy. First, the hair. Is it something in the water at the N.C. mansion? There are some jacked-up 'dos up in there. And the pecs. Some ain't half bad, but do we need to see so much of them? Ech, whatever.

Cut to date one, with Ryan, the former football player. Emily treats him to a day in the life with a soccer mom, shuttling him to her house in a minivan, having him haul in some groceries and tasking him with helping her bake cookies for Ricki's team. Ryan settles in soon enough, making do with the fact that Emily is probably the hottest soccer mom he'll ever hang out with. He even waits patiently in the van as she delivers the goods (she's not ready to make introductions yet) and smiles adoringly.

Part two of date one finds Emily handing Ryan the keys to a snazzy sports car, proclaiming, "You're the boss man." Ryan happy now. Ryan likey being the boss man. They walk a red carpet to Emily's favorite local restaurant (doesn't everybody?) while crowds of Charlotte's finest snap photos and shoot video. Inside, apparently the date is going well, because there's a lot of talk about connecting and such. Later, they're treated to a "private" concert by Em's favorite band, Gloriana, replete with a dance floor for two in the middle of more local crowds. Ryan scores a rose.

Gerard Butler

Back at the mansion, there's a veritable flesh fest of dudes at the pool, and Gerard Butler look-alike Chris reads the names of those slated to attend the group date -- all lucky 13 of them. They participate in a variety show for charity, in front of an audience of some 500 people, including Ricki and Emily's mom. And this is where the Muppets come in. Sounds ridiculous, I know, but it's actually not that bad, except when Stevie, the Party MC, gets a little too excited, and Tony breaks out his Kermit impression. And does anyone know why Brazilian native Alessandro is smiling from ear to ear? Is he thinking, I shoulda taken that left turn at Albuquerque? He has yet to say a word.

Chris (not Gerard Butler)

Things are decidedly less friendly at the cocktail party later in the evening. The whole "can I steal her away" ploy ensues and tempers flare, especially as Helicopter Boy cuts into Party MC's time and earns a new, utterly fantastic nickname, Chopper. Sorry, Kalon (Chopper's birth name), but with your big teeth, it's just too perfect. In the end, Emily is most intrigued by Jef, who isn't fawning all over her, and she gives him the date rose. Chris (not Gerard Butler) is pissed.

The second one-on-one date is hardly worth mentioning, because poor L.A. Joe, while "pumped" for the occasion, is a giant fish out of water at The Greenbrier, a swanky resort in Em's home state of West Virginia, where she channels her inner Scarlett O'Hara in a breathtaking gown and simply outclasses him from start to finish. No rose for Joe. Meanwhile, the real action is back at the mansion, where Doug the Hugger is lecturing Chopper on the merits of fatherhood and a lazy day at the pool is turning downright ugly.

Finally, it's time for another pre-rose-ceremony cocktail party and poor Chopper is off by himself pouting, but not for long. He and Emily have a chat and to the dismay of all in attendance, he is the recipient of the first rose of the night -- take that Party MC. No real big surprises as the rest of the roses are handed out. Emily's got one for Arie, the race car driver, Doug the Hugger, Alessandro and Alejandro. John "Wolf" will be sticking around another week, along with Tony and Chris and Charlie and John Boy (oh, wait, that's a different show). And did I mention Travis? He gets a rose, but his ostrich egg is oddly MIA (until the preview for next week, in which it appears to get smashed to bits by Miss E. herself -- holy smokes!). Can't wait.