The Bachelorette

Season 8 Opener Recap

First Impressions

Emily Maynard

You won't find me dissing America's Newest Sweetheart (thanks, Chris Harrison!), single mom Emily Maynard, because ABC's latest Bachelorette is so damn nice. And down to earth. And just plain lovely. But I do think this season deserves its own special subtitle: "Operation Find a Dad for Ricki." There, I said it. So sue me.

As for Emily's suitors, can I get a collective oy vey? The parade of introductions was just ... so ... awk-ward.

But before I go on, let me introduce you to the single mom ticker. I realized a couple minutes into the show that single mom was something we'd be hearing a lot. I had no idea how much. Six times already in the first episode -- and that's not counting mentions of single dad or single parent (there were plenty of those, too). So stay tuned. And please, help me keep track!

Now back to the motley crew of gentlemen callers. What? You think I'm being harsh? There's obnoxious Helicopter Boy and his giant teeth. A bobbleheads toter. An ostrich-egg clutcher. A creepy high school biology teacher. Stevie, the dancing fool "Party MC." An Alessandro and an Alejandro (OK, he's cute). And we're just barely getting started, folks.

But the real heartstring-tugger appears to be Doug, the hugger (he said it, I didn't). A single, you guessed it, dad from Seattle, Doug wasted no time playing the kid card. Out from his jacket pocket came a handwritten letter to Emily from his 11-year-old son. Game over. The coveted first impression rose was all his.

Based on Emily's comments and on the titillating season highlights, there are a few other front-runners who actually seem kind of OK. Arie the race car driver. Jef (that's one f, people), the 27-year-old skateboard-riding entrepreneur who looks like he's 12 but nonetheless impressed Miss E. with his "cool vibe." And 25-year-old Nate, who gets a mention here only because he didn't do anything ridiculous -- yet.

So I'm hooked. And not just because I'm a sucker for souped-up TV romance. I'm watching at least until I see Emily tell one of her erstwhile suitors to "Get the f*** out," y'all! I gained a whole helluva lot of respect for her when I caught that season preview action. You go, Miss E.!

Until next time ...

P.S. Brent, you're 15 years Emily's senior and you're toting six kids. You had to know you'd be one of the first to go.

P.P.S. Jackson, your body may be fit, but your brain is pure cheese. Get it together, dude. And keep your damn clothes on.

P.P.P.S. Randy, you met America's Newest Sweetheart dressed as a granny. WTF were you thinking?