The Bachelorette / Week 3

Good Golly, it's Dolly!

Dolly Parton

You want the secret to lasting love? Ask someone who's been married for more than 45 years and still talks about her man with a smile on her face. Yep, friends, the one and only Dolly Parton made a surprise appearance on last night's episode, singing love songs and giving sage advice. If just one of the bachelors trying to lasso Emily's heart can make her eyes gleam the way they did when she met the Queen of Country Music, this whole shebang might work out after all.

Emily's trip to Dollywood with 30-year-old race car driver Arie was one of two one-on-one dates doled out this week. The other, which started the show, went to Chris (not Gerard Butler), who seems like a pretty decent guy. Once she got past the fact that he's only 25 and accepted his "I'm a man" declaration, Emily gave Chris (not Gerard Butler) a rose, confiding that he'd been at the top of her list since night one.

The date, which started with a climb to a high-rise rooftop (must we continue with these ridiculous so-called bonding rituals?), ended with a not-so-private concert by country crooner Luke Bryan on a downtown Charlotte street corner. Unfazed by the setting, Chris (not Gerard Butler) scored the first smooch of the season by gallantly asking for permission first. Well played, sir.

The next day's group date offered no such opportunity for smooching or intimacy of any kind. Emily brought her girlfriends in to "grill" the guys, which they did in shameless fashion. There were the requisite "have you ever cheated" and "are you ready to be a dad" questions. And then there were the "take off your shirt and let's see some push-ups" demands. Gross. Imagine if Ben's friends pulled that on The Bachelor last season -- "Hey, show us your rack!" and "How about some deep knee bends while you're at it?" Yeah, lawsuit.

The upshot of the daytime group date is that blonde & boring Sean emerged as a leading candidate (interesting, considering he'd been blending in with the furniture for two weeks); Jef charmed by hitting the playground with the kids Emily brought in for the occasion (it helps that he looks like a kid, himself); and Ryan's true colors began to emerge (he's a competitive, possessive, testosterone-fueled jock who has already warned our bachelorette that if she gets fat, he'll still love her, but he may not love on her as much -- charming).

Chopper look-alike (with smaller teeth)

The evening segment of the group date is monopolized by an overemotional Tony, who's missing his kid (understandable) but acting more like a prisoner of war than a man who willingly went on a reality TV show (idiot). Emily calls him a cab and soon calls it a night. Cut to the bachelor mansion, where Arie the race car driver is awarded date two of the week. Kalon, a.k.a. Chopper (nee Helicopter Boy) is jealous. I can almost hear him gnashing his giant teeth.

As you know, date two is all about Dollywood: thrill rides, carnival booths, walking hand-in-hand and getting serenaded by Dolly Friggin' Parton (I'm quoting Emily there). The bad news for Arie is that he's nearly eclipsed by Dolly's charms. The good news for Arie is that he's able to use his quick, race car driver reflexes and capitalize on the moment by taking Miss E. into his arms and sweetly kissing her on the head. They dance, they have dinner, he gets a rose and then the real good stuff ensues. Chris (not Gerard Butler) may have gotten the first smooch of the season, but Arie scores the first big makeout session of the season. Yowza!

At the pre-rose-ceremony cocktail party, the sh*t hits the fan. Chopper acts like a total a-hole, and bizarre Brazilian -- and self-proclaimed gypsy king -- Alessandro implodes with a meandering speech about marriage and kids being a compromise. Más tarde, dude. Emily can't usher him to a cab fast enough. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for that rude-ass condescending creepazoid Kalon, a.k.a. Chopper. I thought I'd be doing a jig when Stevie, the Party MC, got sent packing, but no, my celebratory dance was put on ice when our fair-haired bachelorette gave a rose to Chopper instead. Forgive my ire, folks, the guy is a real schmuck. And, thanks to what I suspect is a little producer pressure -- "Ah, c'mon, Emily, he makes great TV" -- he's sticking around another week.