Uncensored: The Junkie Files

The Bachelorette Season 8 Opener

Anxiously awaiting tonight's episode, I was taking a little gander at my notes from last week's proceedings to reacquaint myself with our Bachelorette's band of suitors. I got a kick out of my uncensored take on the goings-on, and I thought you might, too.

Notice the single mom ticker. Also, a pretty awesome Emily quote that I did not use in my recap: Trying to calm her nerves, psyching herself up for the night, she tells herself "put on your big girl panties." And then, my favorite quote of the season, which has yet to officially air (top right corner). Go, Miss E.!

The check marks were added as Emily handed out her roses at the end of the night. I don't remember Sean, the one I called "blonde & boring." Hmm ... I wonder why? Clearly, I did not think Joe was a viable candidate. I was wrong. Then again, I was right on about ole Jacko. Score one for the Junkie.

Ah, some of the night's most jaw-dropping moments came when these two clowns arrived. First, Stevie, the dancing buffoon. I thought Emily should have sent him moonwalking all the way home. Trust me, he won't last long. And Randy. Our short-lived resident granny. Still, I beg of you, WHY?

OK, allow me to elaborate a bit on Travis, Mr. Ostrich Egg. Apparently, so long as he's in the hunt for Emily's heart, ye olde egg will symbolize the great care with which he would treat her, her daughter Ricki and their love. Maybe those oversize cuffs on his dress shirt were throwing off his balance, because Travis didn't appear to have a solid grip on that egg during the rose ceremony. When will it crack? As for long-haired music man rehab counselor Michael, whose greeting gift to Emily was a guitar pick (uh, thanks?) -- yeah, I'm bored.